Searching for Joy, The Smell of Crayons and Losing my Vision: A Sabbatical

MAEd

  I started this program during a search, a search for joy that was fading. I had left the classroom after 15 years to pursue a job in the field of education but out of the classroom and in an entirely different office environment. I had not lost joy in teaching I just felt it was time for a little break or a different direction for a bit. My interest in this program was to learn and reflect, nothing more. I would receive no bonus in pay, no job promotion, just knowledge. I was hungry and an educator is who I am to my core, so there was no other direction I desired to go. As I approach the end of this journey I realize this program was my sabbatical, a time for research and reflection. I am thankful that I began this program at this point in my career and used it to think, review and learn new things about myself and why I call myself and an artist and an educator. 

The first phase of my program: “Searching for Joy”.  I was in the middle of a search, a search for where I was headed with my education, with my career and with my artwork. The MAEd in general is a strange program, very different from others. An Art program and an education merged into one. Two programs with similarities, but some very drastic differences for the student. As an artist the creative journey is explored in a more mature and reflective way but also this is an advanced teaching degree as well. Many of my peers began this program much earlier than myself. I have never permitted myself to begin this journey until now. I began this journey as a classroom teacher of 15 years, who had abruptly stopped, moved to western North Carolina, relocated my family and took a job in a similar field but very far from the art classroom environment I had been in for the previous 15 years. Spending all your energy inspiring others to be creative all day who may or may not want to be there in the first place has made it challenging to find joy in making art on my own. I have had highs and lows, and many dry spells. Entering this program I was in the middle of a low after a high of a few years of profitable and enjoyable painting work. It was not until my “sabbatical” began and I was back in the presence of the very place that I received my BAEd that I began to find my creative joy again. These drawings represent me having the freedom to figure things out and just create without an agenda. From abstract to some figure drawing, to drawing plants with my nose instead of hands, I was just looking for direction. I though the drawing with my nose was funny, as I did one in when working on my BSEd, this time around it inspired me to pressure how art and having a disability feel. As silly as it was 20+ years ago, I am glad I did it, as it inspired one of the most impactful years of my life during this program.

The second phase of my program:“The Smell of Crayons”. At this point I had reunited with joy of creating and teaching that had my brain full. Full of ideas to try to solve a problem; why do people forget the joy they once had to be creative in the classroom. Young people to adults. We all can remember the smell of the box of crayons. For myself this is the smell that brings me such fond memories of the joy of being creative. For those I have discussed this with, they too recall pleasant memories of a time when they were creative and enjoyed the process of art. I wanted to fix this, I wanted to create a tool that I could use as a classroom teacher, but also use in the middle of a crowd of strangers that would give them the confidence to create. I felt like this is all it would take for me to turn a switch on in those who have disconnected from the creative process of their youth. These images all reflect the creation, the “drawing machine” I created to engage reluctant and willing people with drawing and creating.

My third phase: “Losing My Vision”. During one of my studio classes I was challenged. With high expectations of myself, and a desire to impress an instructor who taught me eighteen years earlier. This is where I received one of the greatest complements and challenges of my program. I was told something to the effect of “you have established that you are talented and can draw well, show me something deeper”.  During this phase I challenged myself in a few ways. One of them was that I live streamed myself drawing, which was very uncomfortable. During this same period of drawing I expanded on my love for blind contour drawing by drawing objects blindfolded as well as drawing objects I had never seen before while blindfolded. This was much more of an emotional experience than I realized and has been one of the highlights of my program. This phase has given me many projects that are still ongoing and ones yet to come as I continue to explore the challenges faced by artists who have a physically disability of sight and how much I take my sight for granted. These images are from one of the multiple live stream drawing sessions I did, drawing images that I had never seen before without use of my sight. I never viewed the objects or the drawings until the final critique and not until after others had viewed the drawings first. It was a sureal experience. Physically, emotionally, and artistically.

Finally, I have ended my program where each and every one of my students I have ever taught begins…the unknown. I wanted to end my last studio class doing something that I was very unfamiliar with. The process of batik is not one I have ever had the opportunity to teach. I have used some similar techniques, but never batik in its pure form. This has been a great joy to learn as a student. I spent some time researching the historical significance of batik and materials used, I quickly realized a semester would not scratch the surface of this art form. As I made my first attempts on paper I gained confidence, that confidence quickly diminished. I have had failures with my wax choices, fabric choices, wax temperatures, and certainly learning to use the tools correctly have taken some time. After each failure I learned a new piece of the process. I have sought the guidance of a few artists well seasoned in the process and continue to learn more. Though my goal was to experiment and learn an unfamiliar process, it has been hard not to reflect on my situation from a teachers perspective. Ending this final phase of my program as a student remembering the unknown, doubt, as well as excitement and joy of creation was a special way to end. I have also ended with knowledge of a new medium that I plan to continue exploring. The irony of the feelings that batik has given me as an student has reminded me of exactly the purpose of an art educator. To give the gift of creativity and remembering the connection to that smell of crayons!